“This God will be my God forever and ever. He will be my guide even unto the end.” (Psalm 48:14)
I have decided to keep repeating this verse to myself, over and over again until it sinks deep into my spirit. Until it is seared into my subconscious such that the vicissitudes of life will never again cause me to doubt God’s nearness to me. I love God so much, even though my actions and even my thoughts don’t always reflect that. However, I sometimes wonder if He really loves me or if He is even concerned about me. Does He listen when I pray? Does He hear the silent cries of my heart? I have never once doubted that God is and that He is able to do all things. What I haven’t always been so certain of is His willingness to do for me. This doubt is rooted in my deep insecurities – why should God love me or care about me? Why should He deign to give me anything? I am not worthy of His blessings. I am not a Super Christian or even a good one. I don’t pray like I should and I can’t remember the last time I fasted. My tithing record is very spotty. I often think, say and do things that I have no business thinking, saying or doing. And the enemy is very quick to remind me of my sorry state so it’s often very difficult for me to approach God in confidence. I ask for forgiveness and for help so I can be a better Christian but it seems to me that my prayers go no higher than the ceiling before bouncing back to me. It seems that despite my very best intentions, sin is never far from me. After a while, frustration sets in and defeatist thoughts begin to swarm around me like flies around a refuse heap: “why are you even bothering and struggling with this Christianity thing? It’s too hard and it’s obvious that you will never attain the standard. Why don’t you just give it up and enjoy your life?”
Sometimes I wish I could just throw in the towel and be free from this pervasive urge to do what is right in His sight. After all, many people seem to live perfectly contented lives outside His will. Try as I might though, I can’t seem to escape God. He has chosen me and the bond between us is unbreakable. I can’t get away from Him any more than I can get away from myself. I am inextricably tied to Him, which is why any attempt to tear myself away from Him is painful and futile. There are times when I just want to run away, far away from Him. I want to run to a place where I can do as I please without having to contend with His Spirit whispering to me in that quiet, yet insistent voice: “Kemi, you know you were wrong for that…”
Ultimately though, I am grateful that even when I want to let go, my God never lets go. He is the epitome of faithfulness – He continues to believe in me, in my potential to be better today than I was yesterday. He is endlessly patient with me, insisting on loving me with or without my co-operation. What kind of God is this??? The kind of God who will be my God forever and ever. The kind of God who will be my guide even unto the end. That’s what kind of God He is….
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4 comments:
Kemikal,
It's as though you were eavesdropping on my soul. Now I'm fast becoming addicted like Kingsley!
I think David probably felt the same way when he wrote Psalm 139,"Oh, Lord, you have searched my heart and know me..."
It's refreshing to see a young person trying to do what is right in His sight and also willing to admit that despite our best intentions, we succumb to sin.
I think God is pretty amazing, but I think you knew that already.
Now, you're in trouble 'cause the day you miss a post, you no go hear word o.
The totality with which God loves us is often hard to wrap our minds around, but without it we would be lost. He is truly awesome!
I'm glad you're coming to realize your place in Him
Hmmm...I am sorry this is coming rather late. I was on transit all through yesterday, trying to get back to Lagos from my State of deployment(Zamfara) for a 2 month advertising Course.
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kemikal,
I would like to lay a foundation first.
I am not much of a religious person and I am really laughing at myself as I type this piece.I can hear myself saying "Dammy what are you doing?" Nonetheless, you are not alone in this.
I detest religion as it is being practised in Nigeria. What? Surprised? Not to worry, just read on. Religion has become a tool directed at exploiting the poor masses, whose unending financial and emotional insecurities have made them vulnerable to such pastoral antics and strategies, directed at getting the little they have from them. Moreso, the proliferation of substandard and unbiblical doctrines which are coined to suit the selfish and exploitative interest of Pastors and the so-called men of God, have even made the whole religious exercise a 'commercial-oriented pursuit' lacking the essence of true religiousity.But what is true religion?
Taking a cue from James 1:27, Religion that our God accepts as pure and faultless is this: "to look after orphans and widows in their distress and to keep oneself from being polluted by the world".
In summary, true religion is in extending a warm hand of love to the needy (not exploiting them like we have today)as well as living an exemplary life!
Most often, we build our christian principles on some wrong precepts and doctrines, learnt in our formative stage, which often tend to confuse us when subjected to rigorous scriptural meditation thereby making us feel
insecured!
"There is therefore now NO CONDEMNATION to them who are in Christ Jesus, who walk not after the flesh..."
As we grow older, we have to question those principles, that way, a personal relationship with God is born! "That I may Know HIM and the power of his ressurection..." Otherwise, we would keep feeling that God does not really care about us.
To put my thoughts together, a lot of us Christians were brought up to see God as someone who is too busy to even attend to our personal needs, hence he becomes a polygamous father(universal father/father of all flesh) who cannot be approached with our individual needs. But the moment we see him as OUR father on an individual basis, it gives us this sense of security that God is always there for us!
This is one of the reasons I always emphasize building a personal relationship with God. This is the secret that kept David standing tall, inspite his excesses! It will keep you, me and everyone else standing tall inspite of frailities as human! The more of God you know, the better a son or daughter you will become! Your confidence lies in knowing more of HIM..."That I may Know HIM"
Hello Kemikal,
First things first, you are a good writer. I quite understand where you are coming from and the bible verse that ever often so comes to mind is that of the Apostle Paul who said; 'the things i want to do i do not, the thing i do not not want to do i do......
Be rest assured that even when we are not faithful God is faithful
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