Alai ni ronu's aka "shitty" people......

ThisDay newspapers held their annual awards ceremony recently. They handed out awards in all sorts of categories from "Governor of the Year" to "IPO of the year". Predictably, Nigerians turned out in all their finery, to partake in what, in my opinion, can best be described as a farce. And a mind-boggling farce at that. First off, on what basis is ThisDay qualified to hand out awards to anybody? Secondly, how, pray tell do they come up with their categories?! Some of them are just too inane to believe - Banker of the year ? Transaction of the year??? IPO of the year???? As in............ How do they decide what qualifies as the transaction of the year? Based on what criteria? And the categories change from year to year. It's all a huge joke. Which would be fine, except that people seem to take it so seriously. And people who should know better!! They turn up to receive the awards, hand out the awards and generally legitimize the whole charade.

In a couple of months or so, City People will also host their own "awards for excellence" or whatever they call it and so-called eminent Nigerians will again show up in droves. City People???!! I'm sorry but what does City People know about excellence, or integrity or character? It is a publication that specializes in sleaze, junk and scandalous nonsense. It would be better if they owned up to what they are, but no they want to posture like they are about something worthwhile. That irritates me to no end! (in the interest of full disclosure, let me state here that I do read City People, but I take it for what it is- nothing more, nothing less). That said, I return to my point which is that they are not qualified to hand out awards to anybody, except perhaps philanderers and their mistresses.

To be fair to these publications, it's their prerogative to organize any kind of awards ceremony they like. After all, this is still a free country so they have the right to gather people together for any purpose they see fit as long as it's legal. It's the people that turn up to accept these awards that I judge. Governors, ministers and other erstwhile serious-minded individuals will abandon all the important work they have to do for the purpose of collecting an award from City People or ThisDay?! What kind of people are we and what kind of country do we live in? In Yoruba language, we refer to such people as "alai ni ronu's". In other words, people who lack introspection.

And that seems to be the main problem we have in Nigeria: we are apparently not given to any kind of introspection. Put differently, we are not deep at all, in fact we are a very, very shallow society (of course, I am generalizing here). We are content to act only on surface levels and we are more concerned with appearances than substance. Governors and other politicians fancy themselves as celebrities, rather than public servants and thus feel duty-bound to appear at every event, party or gathering. Prancing around like circus clowns and congratulating each other on their non-achievements, meanwhile the whole country is falling apart. It defies any sort of logic. This is why concepts like "excellence" and "integrity" are pretty much meaningless around these parts. In most sane societies, only an alainironu of a governor (and/or one who is on a mission to commit career suicide) would accept an award from a publication like City People, but I guess we march to the beat of a different drummer in this here country.

The more I think about these things, the more my blood pressure escalates, so for the sake of my health I will rest this post here. But you can be sure that I'm not done with the subject. I will be back when my blood pressure levels have returned to their resting rate. Lolll

Gongo Aso.......

I'm really feeling the song, Gongo Aso by 9ice. I'd never heard of him until I heard his smash hit and I am so loving the song! I listen to it on repeat (loudly!) in the morning when I'm getting dressed for work. My sister-in-law was teasing me the other day because she knows I dont even understand half of what the guy is saying in the song but I jam to it anyway. She's like, for all I know the guy is cursing me and all my ancestors. Apparently, he's speaking Yoruba, but that must be some conc, "ijinle" stuvvs cause I dont know what in the heck he's talking about- lol!! Whatever the case may be, the song is hot- "gongo aso, o ti so, my personality no matter at all.." If you live in Lagos and you havent heard the song, then you have no idea what you're missing. More pertinently - under what rock have you been hiding??!!!!!! Gongo aso is what's up!

The other song I'm feeling at the moment is Ifunaya by P-Square: "all because of Ifunaya, onye mbu n obi, nne biko biko dont go." Another line from the song goes, "my love is knocking at your door, and na so e go dey purshue you dey go, go, go" Talk about lyrics! LOLL!!! I love it!!!!! Again, I dont understand half of the words but who cares? A jam is a jam!!!

So Gongo Aso & Ifunaya are my jams of the moment. What's on your playlist?

The ball - an update.........

Hi guys, apologies for yet another delayed post. Had serious technical issues all of last week so wasnt able to get online, hence no blogging. You know what I realized last week? I get withdrawal symptoms when I havent blogged in a while. This blogging thing is becoming a lifeline of sorts for me- like my sanctuary in the midst of the chaos that is Lagos...

Anyways, so on to what y'all have been waiting for! LOL!! The ball was really nice. I had a blast! The dress code was "a touch of silver" but I wasnt dress-code compliant. In fact, I was a renegade in my burnt orange and bronze number - lol!! But I think I looked nice :-) My date looked great. He picked me up at 8 on the dot and I have to say I did a near double-take when I saw him. He turned out in a black pin-striped suit with a white shirt and silver tie - very sharp! I hadnt seen him in a while so I guess I'd forgotten just how cute he is... The good news is that he DEFINITELY did a double-take when he saw me, so I guess the equation was nicely balanced. Lollll.

When we got to the venue, we had to walk up a red carpet to get into the hall. There were photographers everywhere with their cameras flashing incessantly. I hate that, I really do. I find it so invasive... But moving on. We eventually got into the hall and it was very beautifully decorated. Immediately set us in "romantic" mode... An usher showed us to our seats and within seconds a waiter appeared to ask us what we would like to drink. Plenty "effizy". lol. There was a 3-course dinner, although I didnt eat much cause I wasnt really hungry. During dinner, we were serenaded with live music from a number of singers, including Timi, West African Idols champ. He has a powerful voice, I must say. He also has a rather nasty scar on his forehead - heard he was attacked by militants in the Niger Delta area recently. I had no idea... Other entertainment included a stand-up comedian who was simply hilarious! After dinner, there was music from DJ Humility and plenty of dancing. All told, it was a very nice event.

But I'm sure you want the nitty-gritty, not all this clinical gist I've been giving :-) So here's the 411: my date & I had a great time together. We were very into each other that night, if you know what I mean. A lot of hand-holding, meaningful looks, that sort of thing... In retrospect, I'm not sure it was such a good idea to be so touchy-feely with him in such a public forum because anyone watching us would have assumed that we are an item, but we arent... We have been hanging out since then though, so we'll see how it goes. I think we're both being cautious because we have history. You know how that is...

So that's the update. It was nice to spend the evening with someone who so obviously cares about me. No demands, no drama, just companionship. It was very nice...

Valentine's Day report

My people!!!!!! First, apologies for the long silence. It's been a hectic week at work and I've barely even had time to collect my thoughts. But it's nice to know that I've been missed. Thanks for the shout-outs, Kingsley & Ohmay ;-)

So, not much to report o. Yesterday was Valentine's Day - whatever! I'd actually been dreading it, but it wasn't so bad after all. First of all, I was busy so no time to throw any pity parties. LOL. But seriously, I was in a good place emotionally, as I have been since my birthday pretty much. I just havent allowed any negative thoughts to weigh me down. Last year was annus horribilis - so much upheaval, so much turmoil, so much sadness... Despair, grief, loneliness - they were my constant companions in 2007... Perhaps one day, I will blog about what was going on with me last year, but suffice it to say that I never, ever want to go back to that place of misery again. Never again! So I started 2008 with a determination to be happy, a determination to find peace and contentment within myself... I'm naturally a joyful person and I can usually find a silver lining in every cloud so I'm going back to being myself in 2008. I'm hoping this will be the best year I've had yet but regardless of what the year may bring I will not let go of my faith in God. When all is said and done, that's really all I have.

Anyway, I've digressed... Back to the point. Valentine's Day wasn't so bad after all. I didn't get any secret admirers, any love declarations, any gifts or cards, but no matter, I still had a good day. An old flame had called me the day before to ask me to accompany him to some Valentine's ball that his church is hosting on Friday night. Normally, I would have analyzed & psycho-analyzed his motives for asking me, fretted over his expectations, my expectations... What does this mean, is he trying to get back together with me... endless permutations of worry and second-guessing! But this time, I just decided to live a little! So we're going to the ball tonight and I'm actually looking forward to it. I don't have any expectations of him and hopefully, he doesn't have any expectations of me. We're just going to enjoy each other's company tonight. It should be fun. I'll let you all know how it goes.

Meanwhile, Mr. Isho-giver called me last night to wish me a happy valentine's day. Now this is an aberration on so many levels. In the first place, he & I haven't spoken in well over a week. Secondly, even if I had been speaking to him every day, he's the type of person that would normally go out of his NOT to acknowledge Valentine's Day because he is just contrary like that! So I was definitely surprised at his call. It wasn't until after I got off the phone with him that the penny finally dropped in my mind: this punk was calling just to make sure that I was at home doing nothing on Valentine's Day!! Don't ask me how I know, I just know that's all!!! And I was so mad at myself for not catching on earlier & for unwittingly giving him the satisfaction of knowing that I don't have any serious toasters at the moment! Oshisco!!! I will show that boy pepper o!! LOLL!!!

Actually, I dont even care. Na him sabi. I haven't got time for silly games. This is a new year and a new me. I even have the haircut to prove it ;-) Who no know go soon know..... Me, I'm off to the ball!!!

Have a good weekend y'all!

A few things you need to know before you relocate to Nigeria

OK, I know this is a bit of a cop-out but the piece I wanted to post today isn't ready yet so I decided that rather than go without blogging, I would share an article that I came across a few months ago and found totally hilarious. It's rather long and fraught with spelling & grammatical errors but it still manages to be insightful & extremely witty at the same time. Unfortunately, I don't know the author's name but enjoy the article nevertheless. Have a great weekend and I'll be back on Monday!

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First, the down side of Nigeria. Its economy has predominant characteristics of a third world's. It is No. 35th on Transparency International's rating on the list of the world's most corrupt nations. It used to be No. 1. Thanks to the EFCC and ICPC. NITEL has now completely collapsed. Where NITEL failed, mediocre local independent telephone operators dominated by Indians are carting billions to the banks and their banks in India. NEPA is tottering. The road networks are in a very, very dilapidated condition. The transportation system in Nigeria is in a big mess. Travel by road in Nigeria has seized to be a thing of joy. By air is expensive and froth with danger of air crash due to the preponderance of molue aircraft in the air. Still, it is expensive. A forty-five-minute flight to Abuja from Lagos costs between twelve and fifteen thousand Naira, ($90-$130) depending on the airline. Crime is climbing because of joblessness, particularly among young school leavers. Politically motivated pen robbery is still with us. Economically induced robberies are on the rise too. Banks are now robbed in broad day light. You cannot open your favorite daily any morning without reading about a robbery incident here and there. Because it is not an election season, assassinations are on the wane - it looks like.

In spite of all, this is the best time to start thinking of relocating to Nigeria. Nigeria is changing. This is very fast. You begin to notice this at the airports - your first points of entry. The air cooling systems now work most of the time. The conveyor belts work too, most of the times that I have seen. Power systems at the airports fail intermittently but not as they used to do. The people you meet either at departure lounges or on arrival halls are beginning to imbibe the culture of courtesy. Trolleys, though for hire are now available for the jaded traveler to cart away his luggage. Even the toilets are manned by professionals who say hi to you before use and after. (Some times they hide the tissue papers and make you pay for service.) Inside the airports, touting has been kept at bay. There are banks with ATM machines competing for the business of the Nigerian traveler, at most Nigerian airports now. Modern communications gadgets are on display at every nook and cranny displaying wares, arrival and departure times.
Before you relocate, make sure you have the wherewithal to get back to where you are relocating from - just in case. The reasons are too many. But the first you would notice is how far high on the economic ladder your mates have climbed. And as you know, economic progress has a twin brother climbing the same ladder - social mobility. Your contemporaries have moved and they did so slowly but sure-footedly while you were gone. Your mates dine at the most expensive restaurants and drive the latest model cars - not on credit. Your mates have bought up properties in the choicest areas of the land. Your mates are to be found in, Wuse II, Asokoro and Maitama areas of Abuja. Your mates have occupied the choicest areas of Lagos, particularly the picturesque sites of Lekki, Victoria Garden City - fancifully called the VGC. Of course, your mates now use their Ikoyi and VI previous homes as offices. It is no more fanciful to say I live in Ikoyi or VI. There are new places of abode in the land - from Kaduna to Port Harcourt and from Enugu to Maiduguri, and your mates have taken them up while you were gone.

If you left over ten to twenty years ago and you are planning to be back, know that you have become unemployable. You have to be self-employed for a long while. Be sure you have enough resources to keep you going through the period it would take you to re-acquaint yourself with your "former" home. Things have really changed - changed for good for those who did not jet out and somehow changed for bad for those of us who took the next plane and left the country.
In Nigeria, your mates in the public and private sectors of the economy, particularly the banking and oil industry, have become highly placed. Most earn the equivalent of between 200,000 and 300,000 dollars a year plus other incentives to wit. There was an advert recently placed in one of the papers for a job opening which warned those not earning twenty million Naira and above, per annum, in their present job not to apply. Most have built their own houses in Nigeria. Most have more than two cars in their drive way. Most live in homes that smack of opulence, with every modern gadget ranging from large sized Plasma TVs to Microwaves. Most have genuinely saved enough to send their children to some of the best educational institutions over seas, including to the Ivy Leagues. Most are share holders in most of the emerging markets that have been liberalized during the eight boom years (and counting) which we that left, have missed. Most of them have savings in liquid cash that run into tens of millions. Most have invested in the now, very lucrative Nigeria stock market. You would marvel when you have a snippet of what amount of shares your mates now hold. You would shiver in self pity.

If your mates joined politics, they have occupied the choicest of political positions in the land and made new friends that will be hard to dislodge. If you happen to have showed off to them in your hey days of "returning" from America, be rest assured they have not forgotten. They call us mercenaries in politics. It is now their turn to show you, that you can't have it both ways. They have built a barricade and insulated themselves from out side interests - you the returnee being an outside interest that must be dreaded. If you have real or passing interest in politics, you must show it with extreme caution. They would like to invite you to political meetings and discussion only to put you to size. While not accepting everything they say, when making your presentations, or contributions avoid using phonetics. Avoid such phrases as "if it were in America or Europe." They do not like to hear that. One of them surely will remind you "this is Nigeria" to the embarrassing applause of others, there present. They see Nigeria now as a trophy. They labored for Nigeria while you were gone. They suffered the June 12 crises together while you were gone. They suffered the Abacha era while you were gone. While you were gone, you probably had returned on one or two occasions only to scurry out soon after complaining of incessant heat, erratic power supply and mosquito bites. At the airport, you must have been caught criticizing everything in sight. They have not forgotten your new borrowed accent and the phonetics that do not rhyme.

That you need a shelter to live in Nigeria if you planned relocating to Nigeria is an understatement. There are many ways to do this. It's either that you have managed to build something for yourself in the city you would want to relocate or you could find an affordable apartment. With the kind of money we make overseas from genuine everyday livelihood, it is almost next to impossibility that you could build yourself an abode commensurate to what you are used to. If you find yourself in this position, don't worry, if you endured the pains and worked hard and kept a low profile in order not antagonize your former friends, within five years your will build your self, your dream home.

You need to feed well. This too is an understatement. Avoid going to the supermarkets to get your food - raw, processed or cooked. Buy from the local sellers at the nearest mammy market. Go to the supermarkets and shops to buy the essentials. At the malls, you will find that while you spend a miserable amount to buy your essential needs, Nigerians who are not been tos, buy up anything in site both the ones they need and those they do not need. This people have so much money. How they make it, you will find out if you endured. Closely related to this is your phone habit. It is very expensive to use the telephones in Nigeria. As you know, telephone calls in the western world are taken for granted. Here, while it's beginning to happen as if it is for granted, it is very, very expensive. To Nigerians who are not used to such freedom of expression, they are spending millions everyday to make phone calls - to satisfy their newly found phone freedom. If you are not mindful, telephone bills may cut into your feeding pattern. If this happens, before long, you will become an object of gossip. You will lose your complexion and weight and they will notice.

You need clothing to cover the body you have labored to nurture while you lived abroad. This also, is an understatement. Nigerians pay too much attention to dressing. Your dress mode can shut the door at you or open the door for you. Avoid casual dressing, particularly when you are going to meet with the Nigerian big man. He knows the stuff you're wearing and could place you based on that. Be simple but neat if need be occasionally be flamboyant. Express yourself. Speak good English, where there is a need, do not use slang such as I wana or I gonna….
Do not lend money. Give out only that which you could afford to lose. Beware of relatives and the extended family system. If you manage to set up a small business, never employ those closely related to you. They will ruin you.

You would need to dry clean. Dry cleaning here is too expensive. You pay as much 300 naira (about $2) to dry clean an inner vest. Think then of what it would cost to do a bunch of laundry. Think seriously of having a washer and a drier installed - wherever you may decide to live.

You must have at least two good cars. That car of yours, which you price so much, is not fashionable in Nigeria. Here some people drive the next year's model before they become common in Europe or the Americas. How they make such money to pay upfront is still the mystery I am struggling to unravel. The roads are so bad and the drivers so ill-trained that if you drove yourself, and not being used to their adversarial/confrontational pattern of driving, your car and you would, in a very short while be a sorry sight. They hit you and beg you. They hit you because you are conscious of driving rules and apply it. They, who do not apply simple driving rules, rule the highway in Nigeria. In a society not used to insurance, and where vehicular laws are not implemented, begging has replaced insurance coverage. Even passer bys would chip in to ask the offending reckless driver to beg you and get on with his life. If they beg you, you must accept. That's your only recourse.

To this end, you must have a good mechanic as a friend. He will introduce to you, a good panel beater (your (n) used car will always need to be panel beaten back to form after constantly being bashed by ill-trained Nigerian road users. Most Nigeria drivers, I hear, buy their drivers license) who will in turn introduce you to a vulcanizer and an auto electrician, here, fancifully called a rewire. You need a vulcanizer because the roads are bad. Flat tires occur very often here than usual. Of all the auto-related experts you will work with, the rewire should be the one you must dread. He is not well trained in the operation of modern day computer induced auto cars. His method of rewiring has set many late model computerized cars ablaze.

This God...

“This God will be my God forever and ever. He will be my guide even unto the end.” (Psalm 48:14)

I have decided to keep repeating this verse to myself, over and over again until it sinks deep into my spirit. Until it is seared into my subconscious such that the vicissitudes of life will never again cause me to doubt God’s nearness to me. I love God so much, even though my actions and even my thoughts don’t always reflect that. However, I sometimes wonder if He really loves me or if He is even concerned about me. Does He listen when I pray? Does He hear the silent cries of my heart? I have never once doubted that God is and that He is able to do all things. What I haven’t always been so certain of is His willingness to do for me. This doubt is rooted in my deep insecurities – why should God love me or care about me? Why should He deign to give me anything? I am not worthy of His blessings. I am not a Super Christian or even a good one. I don’t pray like I should and I can’t remember the last time I fasted. My tithing record is very spotty. I often think, say and do things that I have no business thinking, saying or doing. And the enemy is very quick to remind me of my sorry state so it’s often very difficult for me to approach God in confidence. I ask for forgiveness and for help so I can be a better Christian but it seems to me that my prayers go no higher than the ceiling before bouncing back to me. It seems that despite my very best intentions, sin is never far from me. After a while, frustration sets in and defeatist thoughts begin to swarm around me like flies around a refuse heap: “why are you even bothering and struggling with this Christianity thing? It’s too hard and it’s obvious that you will never attain the standard. Why don’t you just give it up and enjoy your life?”

Sometimes I wish I could just throw in the towel and be free from this pervasive urge to do what is right in His sight. After all, many people seem to live perfectly contented lives outside His will. Try as I might though, I can’t seem to escape God. He has chosen me and the bond between us is unbreakable. I can’t get away from Him any more than I can get away from myself. I am inextricably tied to Him, which is why any attempt to tear myself away from Him is painful and futile. There are times when I just want to run away, far away from Him. I want to run to a place where I can do as I please without having to contend with His Spirit whispering to me in that quiet, yet insistent voice: “Kemi, you know you were wrong for that…”

Ultimately though, I am grateful that even when I want to let go, my God never lets go. He is the epitome of faithfulness – He continues to believe in me, in my potential to be better today than I was yesterday. He is endlessly patient with me, insisting on loving me with or without my co-operation. What kind of God is this??? The kind of God who will be my God forever and ever. The kind of God who will be my guide even unto the end. That’s what kind of God He is….

The Mrs Club

I recently read the book, The Mrs. Club http://www.themrsclub.com/ by Ekene Onu. It's an interesting book, and different in the sense that it's chick-lit by a Nigerian, and for a Nigerian audience. That's a first as far as I know, but I obviously stand to be corrected. Anyways, the book is about three Nigerian women living in Atlanta. They are in their early 30s and have been best friends since their college days. One of the women, Mina, is married while the other two, Titi and Amaka, are single and searching. The book chronicles their individual quests for marital happiness, even as it shows us how they each come to discover that true happiness is something to be found inside, and not outside of ourselves.

As I said, it made for interesting, and at times, hilarious reading. It also made me think of a hierarchical model I came up with a couple of years ago, not long after I moved back to Nigeria. I observed that in Nigeria women are ranked on the basis of their marital and/or motherhood status. At the top of the food chain is the married woman who has at least one child, preferably a boy. Right below her is the married woman who has no children - yet. Next is the widow with a child or children, again at least one of them better be a boy! After that is the divorcee with a child/children. Then the woman who never married but has a child/children. Then you have the single woman between the ages of 22 and 27. Then the single woman between the ages of 27 and 30. Then, you have garbage, rocks, dirt, poto-poto (i.e. mud) and if you dig underneath all that, you will find the woman who is over 30 but has no husband or children!!!!! LOLLLLLLLLLLLL!!!

OK, I'm laughing but this hierarchical model is a fact o, not a myth. Whether people will admit to it or not doesn't matter - the ranking system exists. So you can imagine why some Nigerian women would do anything, and I mean anything, to claw their way to the next level. Sometimes, people around you will overtly encourage you to do "unspeakable" things to change your status. An older, female friend of mine (who is married, by the way) once told me to consider finding a man, married or otherwise, to get me pregnant so I could at least have a child since it appeared that marriage wasn't immediately forthcoming for me. I wasn't even 30 when she told me this o!!!! Needless to say, I was horrified!! But I was also deeply saddened because it was the first real indication I had that as a Nigerian woman, I apparently have no value apart from a husband and/or a child. This was an eye-opening revelation for me. Luckily, I have a sense of humor and eventually, I was able to see the funny side of all this, hence the chart... :-)

Suffice it to say, as a woman it ain't easy being over 30 & single in Nigeria. Still, there's hope at least according to Titi, Amaka & Mina of The Mrs. Club!!!!!

Nigeria No 1!!!

I came across the following blurb in the Feb 2008 edition of Essence magazine:

"In a survey on the global awareness of children and teens in ten countries, students in Nigeria - the only African country included - ranked highest, showing the strongest grasp of international affairs. Dead last was the United Kingdom, just below the United States."

As a Nigerian, I was literally glowing with pride as I read that quote. Not that I was particularly surspried - Nigerians tend to be very well versed on international affairs and can discuss intelligently on topics ranging from Barack Obama's chances of clinching the Democratic nomination to Victoria Beckham's wardrobe to the factors mitigating against peace in the Middle East. Well maybe "discuss intelligently"is a bit of a stretch sometimes, but we sure can discuss loudly and robustly on any topic under the sun! And it doesnt matter whether we have any real knowledge on the topic at hand, we still have an opinion, and a strong one at that! LOL!! We are, in essence (no pun intended!), a nation of masterful pontificators :-)

Seriously though, for Nigerian students to be ranked first in such a survey (trumping the UK, the US & other presumably "first-world" countries) is quite a feat and Nigerians everywhere should be chuffed. It isn't often that we are in the news for something positive so my people, let's bask in the spotlight o jare! Have you finished basking? Good, now come back to earth! Our students have demonstrated that they have the ability to shine anywhere in the world but as a nation, we are not doing anything to nurture their potential. Now if that doesn't equate to a waste of natural resources, I dont know what does! We will never be taken seriously as a nation until we start to take ourselves, and especially our young people seriously...

OK, that's my PSA for the week. I'm out!

Outted already! Well, somewhat.......

One of my closest friends - a sister actually - called me on Friday evening and was like, "ah ah Kemikal, so you've started blogging?!!" At first, I tried to pretend like I didnt know what she was on about but I couldn't sustain the act for very long. I am the worst liar in the world and this particular sister of mine is like flippin' Miss Marple - you cant hide anything from her for very long!! She gave me props & asked why it took me so long to start a blog. I was very chuffed by her words of encouragement (although she isn't exactly an objective bystander - lol!)

So..... I've been outted - drat!! Well, I did swear her to secrecy and I'm sure she will keep her word. Now that makes 2 people that know who I am and know about my blog. The first one I told and the second one found out on her own. I'm trying to keep this blog anonymous because I want to be free to express myself, share my thoughts/experiences and voice my opinions without feeling self-conscious or fearful that I will somehow offend someone I know. It is not my intention to be hurtful and that is not the purpose of my blog, but when you set out to speak your truth without fear or favour, it is inevitable that you will offend from time to time. My blog will continue to be anonymous and I will never use any identifying details when describing anyone or any situation, however it is a cathartic exercise for me and the only way it can continue to be so is if I can write without worrying about anyone else's opinions or sensibilities.

So anyways, I just said all of that to say this: in the unlikely event that anyone stumbles on this blog and figures out who I am and is offended by anything I've written - my apologies in advance. Please don't take it personally as it is never my intention to offend. That said, it's back to the grind for me - there are many more posts waiting to be churned out. Enjoy!

Observations from Lagos traffic...

Some of the random thoughts that occur to me while I'm sitting in Lagos traffic:

1. Why do recharge card sellers always come up to your car and slap their stupid cards against your window??? Dang homie, quit coming all up in my grill like that!! Trust me, I do not need your simple ass to remind me that I need to buy credit for my phone. If and when I need credit, I will beckon. Until then, back up off me!!!!!

2. If an okada man falls off his okada and there is no unfortunate motorist in the vicinity to blame it on, is it still an accident? Will all his okada gang members still swarm around the scene like angry bees or do they reserve that particular display of madness for "special occasions" only??

3. Why, when you are stopped at a traffic light, does the driver behind you insist on honking his horn like he doesn't know what a red light means?

4. Why do okadas, policemen and random passersby pound on your bonnet or doors like they contributed some money towards the cost of your vehicle? What I wouldnt give to fit my car with some kind of shock mechanism that is activated whenever someone bangs on my car with their fists. Now that would be cool!!

5. When traffic is backed up, why do some drivers veer into the opposite lane and zoom forwards as though those who are waiting patiently are jobless morons who left their homes with no clear agenda for the day??? Can't they see that they're just making the situation worse for everybody?!!

6. Why do newspaper vendors only ever thrust City People and other so-called soft sells in my face, but never Business Day od The Guardian? Could it possibly be because, gasp! I'm a woman??

7. Do those squeegee boys that insist on washing your windshield go to some school to learn how to irk the hell out of car drivers or do they just pick up the skill along the way? I actually once saw a guy get out of his car and start chasing one of these urchins down the road, after the boy had poured a bottle of dirty water on his windshield. And when he couldn't catch up with the boy, he resorted to throwing stones at him! Imagine a respectable man being reduced to such sport!! It was the funniest thing I'd seen in a long time! LOLLL!!!!!!!

Bottomline: being stuck in traffic can be an opportunity to exercise your deductive and/or inductive reasoning skills ;-) Watch out for more random musings in the near future!